People pleasing is a behavior that many struggle with, often without even realizing it. It involves prioritizing others' needs over your own, leading to self-abandonment.

This coping mechanism typically develops as a way to feel safe and accepted, stemming from a deep-seated need for approval and a fear of rejection, which usually traces back to childhood experiences.

The good news is that there are steps you can take to overcome people pleasing and reclaim your sense of self. Let's review the steps together.

1. Recognize Your Behaviour

The first step in stopping people pleasing is to recognize your behaviour. You can't change what you're not aware of. Start by identifying the relationships where you often prioritize others’ needs over your own. This could be with parents, friends, partners, or co-workers. Acknowledge how frequently and severely you engage in these behaviors and the stress they cause. Understanding the extent of your people pleasing is crucial for your journey towards self-improvement.

2. Understand the Roots

People pleasing behaviours often arise from fear of rejection, fear of conflict, or fear of not being good enough. I invite to reflect on the underlying fears that might be leading to your people pleasing behaviour, and explore what experiences may have led to their development. Ask yourself: what are you afraid would happen if you no longer engaged in people pleasing behaviours?

Often, these behaviours are rooted in childhood experiences where the need for approval and fear of rejection were strongly imprinted. As a therapist who specializes in helping clients with people pleasing behaviour, I can help you uncover and address these deep-seated issues. If you're interested, feel free to book in for a consultation here.

3. Establish Boundaries

Learning to set and communicate healthy boundaries is crucial in overcoming people pleasing. Determine your limits and practice assertive communication to express those boundaries. This might involve saying no to requests that you would typically agree to, even when they cause you stress or discomfort.

4. Start Small

Making significant changes can be overwhelming, so it's important to start with small steps. Begin by saying no to minor requests and gradually build up to more significant ones. Start by practicing this with people you feel safest with and gradually extend to more challenging relationships. Virtual therapy services provided at Emma Clark Therapy can provide you with the tools and support needed to take these steps at your own pace.

5. Seek Internal Validation

Shift your focus away from external approval towards validating yourself. It’s much easier to stop people pleasing when you have inherent, unconditional self-worth. Practices like mindfulness-based therapy, somatic therapy, and compassion-focused therapy can help build this internal validation. Remember, prioritizing your own needs is essential for your wellbeing and does not diminish your kindness or value to others.

Overcoming people pleasing is a journey that involves self-awareness, understanding the roots of your behaviour, setting boundaries, taking small steps, and seeking internal validation. People pleasing therapy at Emma Clark Therapy provide the support needed to navigate this journey, so I invite you to book in for a consultation if you'd like to see if this option could be a fit for you.

FAQs

What is people pleasing? People pleasing is a behaviour where you prioritize others' needs over your own, often to gain approval and avoid rejection.

How does people pleasing develop? It typically develops as a coping mechanism from childhood experiences that create a deep-seated need for approval and fear of rejection.

Can therapy help with people pleasing? Yes, various therapies such as compassion-focused therapy, relational therapy, and mindfulness-based therapy can help address the underlying causes and behaviours associated with people pleasing.

What are some small steps to stop people pleasing? Start by saying no to minor requests and gradually build up to more significant ones. Practice with people you feel safest with before moving on to more challenging relationships.

Why is setting boundaries important in overcoming people pleasing? Setting boundaries helps you communicate your limits and prioritize your own needs, reducing the stress and self-abandonment associated with people pleasing.

How can I seek internal validation instead of external approval? Focusing on practices like mindfulness and self-compassion can help build your inherent self-worth and reduce the need for external validation.